I remember having this feeling before. It was an overwhelming sense of excitement, nervousness and anxiety. But now these feelings returned with the same highest intention of pursuing my goals. It was a clear reminder of all this energy, the mixed emotions and an intense desire I had to commit to something, to me.
I was here to conquer a fear, to break a personal battle with myself and transcend through more than a physical barrier. A barrier I had managed to position right in front of myself, blocking my journey from every angle possible, it seized my life entirely. Separating me from myself and from my future. It stopped me do what I dreamt of, nothing more than just dreams. But this moment was so much more than a physical object; this was so much more than having power. It symbolised a transition from one state of mind to another, one where I could finally be me, a new version of myself.
My name was called.
I was trembling, the nerves wouldn’t leave me be. After all the practicing and memorising about what went first, what came second, what I should be thinking, how I should be feeling – suddenly it just didn’t matter. Going first was the scary bit, to be watched and judged by everyone else. I was there to make the mark, set the pace, be a winner, it felt easier than waiting and going second, or third, or last. With a quick deep breath, I picked up my small neat square filled with goals and challenges and turned to face my task.
Eyes closed and feet apart. That’s what I said to myself. And from there, it just happened.
The breathing first, in… and out… nice and smoothly – that’s right, finding that place where I can completely empty my mind. With my eyes open, I stared straight ahead at my chosen spot, my mark on the floor. One foot in front of the other I walked towards that mark, the tension now lighter than it felt earlier. I’m crouching now, my hand finding that mark on the floor. I get my position centred and practice my aim. Tap. SLAM. Tap. SLAM. Tap. SLAM.
My heart now beating faster, I get myself used to the movements and the process. I know there will be no failure now. I walk backwards a few steps, my eyes never leaving that spot before me, keeping my focus. With my palms up, my hands lift to my waist, sucking up the energy from the earth like a vacuum and then squashing it back down. I bring this energy from the ground and from within me to pack more in, and again until I am completely grounded.
Stepping forward, eye on the prize and it happens in a blur. Position, set, hand on the mark, test and tap and then SMASH! My hand hits the floor with a crash and I’m through the barrier. Nothing else matters now.
Just for a moment I revert to my inner self, a feeling of pure release washes over me from my head to toe. A sense of total freedom appears and it feels as if a burden has been lifted, a barrier has been broken.
It is the beginning of change.
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